| Kalinawagan |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|02:21 am] |
Sumabak ako sa immersion na karanasan lamang, kasama ng ilang bagong kaibigan, ang inaasahan kong maibabaon ko sa aking pag-uwi. Di ko inaakalang pati pala ang spiritwal kong pangangailangan ay matutugunan din. Matagal nang uhaw ang kaluluwa ko, pilit sinusubukang makita ang Diyos sa lahat ng bagay. Hindi ko rin matukoy kung ano ang nagpapahirap sa akin na makita ang Diyos. Siguro nahihirapan na rin ako tingnan ang mga bagay gamit ng puso ko. Para bang lahat ng aking karanasan ay tinatanggap ko hanggang sa nibel ng isip lamang. Ganoon ko na ba binalakid ang puso ko? Sa pagkokontrol nga ba ng aking emosyon ay naapektuhan na rin ang pagiging malalim ng aking mga relasyon? Sinasanay ko ba ang sarili ko na maging manhid? Ngunit kasabay nito, gusto ko ring maapektuhan. Ngunit napansin ko sa aking sarili na isip ang nagagamit ko upang maapektuhan, at hindi ang puso – palaging solusyon ang iniisip at hindi napagtutuunan ng mabuti ang mas malalim na implikasyon nito.
Salamat sa processing at nakakita ako gamit ng panibagong mata. Salamat sa kabilang grupo at kay Kuya Ye, sapagkat sa tulong nila, nasimulan kong makita ang Diyos. Sa totoo lang, sa pag-alis na ng bahay ko ito napagtanto. Ang sarap balikan ang mga karanasan sa bahay. At habang ginagawa ko ito, mas nakikita ko ang mukha ng Diyos sa mga nakasalamuha ko – sa mga ngiti at pag-“appear” ni Mel, sa pag-uusap naming ni Ian tungkol kay Alvin Patrimonio, sa paghahawak ng dalawang kamay ni Filmar, sa mga ngiti at kainosentehan ni Rosa, sa madalas na pagtatanong ni Jose, sa pangungumusta at paghingi ng number ko ni Malou, sa pag-That’s my Boy ni Jon-Jon, sa mga yakap ni Yolanda, maging sa pagpayag niyang guluhin namin ang kanyang buhay, at sa tahimik na pagtitig ni Gerard. Nasaan nga ba ang Diyos? Nasa puso ko muna siya, at doon ko paghuhugutan ang paraan ng pagtanaw ko sa iba.
Salamat sa musika. Sa buong buhay ko ng musika, hindi kailanman ko naranasan ito kagaya ng pagdanas ko nito sa bahay. Nakabubuklod, nakatatawid ang musika – lalo na ang musikang simbahan. Ang sarap kumanta. Ang sarap kumanta para sa mga tao at para sa Diyos. Isa ito sa naging inspirasyon ko upang makita ang Panginoon…musika.
Mahal ko ang Panginoon. Salamat po sa natatanging karanasan na ito, at pati kayo’y nahanap ko.
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| I would definitely rather go there |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|08:28 am] |
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I really feel bothered about not going to area this morning. It's just that yesterday I was so decided I would go, but all changed when I wasn't able to finish my part of the thesis statements for theo141 orals (I don't know if the Bio Night was a factor coz I would've still woken up even if I slept late). *sigh... I was really looking forward to going to area. I love being with the people there, the kids and families especially. They are my friends, able to put a smile on my face whenever they simply greet me. Naku, mahal ko na talaga sila. Anyway, I'm just planning to area hop to Dos Cate...yey! All hope is not lost. =P |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|11:43 pm] |
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I feel miserable. I hate it. I also hate the fact that I get to write only when I'm feeling this way, though I want to write about other things I have in mind. Anyway, I'm just feeling lousy. Plus, I have to study for physics and philosophy. *sigh... ayoko na =( |
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| Romantic |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|12:12 am] |
Your type is the Romantic
There's no such thing as too much wining and dining! You're a sucker for the Romantic. Some flowers...a nice dinner...a little music — right up your alley! Your type places his woman on a pedestal and treats her like a princess. That's exactly what you crave. Whether you need it or not, you like the reassurance that a romantic guy provides. With him, you never feel taken for granted. You don't fall for the tough-guy act — in fact, you're turned off by a guy who's not in touch with his feminine side. The sensitive male who properly courts a woman will steal your heart every time. A little traditional? Yup. A little old-fashioned? Maybe so. But did a little extradoting ever hurt anyone? Definitely not.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
true true...
From Who is your type? http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=your_type |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|08:38 pm] |
Jose texted me this today at 7:26pm:
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. Know a good thing when you see it, and don't let it slip away. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth your while. |
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| Deep Connection |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|01:43 pm] |
The thing you need most in a relationship is Deep Connection
In your ideal relationship you and you partner would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.
++++++++++++++++++++++
From Which relationship is right for you? in http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=idealrelationshipogt |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|01:24 pm] |
my friend texted me this today:
...i miss you, because you're not here, and because every time i think about you, that's all that i think. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you and the world turns for both of us, and i can't wait until you come home.
- Carravagio, www.peyups.com |
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| Second Chances |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|12:36 pm] |
Your romantic pattern is Second Chances!
The Second Chances pattern is rooted in nostalgia — whether you're longing for the ex you haven't seen in a year, or are reminiscing about the crush you never connected with 10 years ago.
But, here's the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: A longing to recapture someone or something that can reconnect you to a time in your life when love was a larger focus.
Whether you do it consciously or not, most people who migrate towards the Second Chances pattern either want to revise a past decision, confront someone they couldn't at the time, or revert back to a specific point in time.
But it also might stem from other things as well. Your romantic pattern may arise out of regret for the past, or a desire to go back when things were easier. Did you have a particularly easy, fun adolescence? Have you recently suffered a loss — perhaps a divorce or the death of a loved one — that's made you long for the period before that incident?
Are you acutely aware that decisions carry with them a strong impact? Do you spend a lot of time analyzing your decisions, going over things you've said or done in your mind. Or are you simply sentimental, in love with old books and classic films, as well as your own memories? It's no wonder this is such a common romantic pattern. How many films feature starlets staring off dreamily into a recollection of days past? How question books reveal a heroes and heroines kept apart in the beginning, only to find themselves together at the end?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
hahaha, funny =P
this is from the Tickle test: What is your romantic pattern? http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=romancepatternogt |
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| pain... |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|11:56 pm] |
Breaking up is really hard. We decided to not communicate anymore outside school, and that I would not ride with him home anymore. It was actually my idea coz I would not be able to get over him if we were still to continue being best friends. It was like losing two persons at the same time: a boyfriend, and more importantly, a truly best friend. I do love him. It was last Friday, June 23, that we talked about all these things. The decision to change our relationhip came soon because I was hit with the thought that he was beginning to move on, while I was still stuck - stuck thinking I was and will for a long time be the only one. Of course the realization was caused by my discovery that he was talking on the phone with that girl whose parents are his family's friends. I don't know. I really felt pain at that time...feeling betrayed because while he was talking to another girl, he was still showing hints of his feelings for me. I was angry because he can't have it both ways. I explained all of how I felt during that Friday talk. He said he treated the girl as a kid and she was the one who was asking him to call her. He said he thought it irrelevant to tell me about them talking on the phone. He said he, of course, thought of courting me all over again. However, there were times that he felt I thought of him as inferior to me because of the way I talk to him. I certainly did not want that because then he would continue to feel that he did not deserve me, therefore not really fight for me. I'm writing down random thoughts; I don't even know if this makes sense.
He said he was truly happy with me when we were together, and even after we broke up. He said he still loved me. *sigh.... It's been a week since that Friday talk, and I have not called him, and so has he. We talk only to greet each other during that one subject I have in common with him. I get to see him only during TTh, 3-5:30pm. That's the only time I talk to him. That's the only time I get to see how he's doing. It's really hard. I sometimes find myself wanting to lift the phone handset and call him up, but I couldn't. My pride won't allow me. And if I allowed myself to do so, I'd just get hurt more. This past 2 weeks, I've been learning to live on my own. I'm proud to say I'm more independent now. I am more mature now. I used to find it hard to accept that I'm already 19, but I didn't feel it. I feel my age now.
These past few days I have been keeping myself busy because thinking of us made me feel sad. Sometimes I can't even accept that it has ended. I cannot accept that he has changed. I cannot. It is sooo hard. But no matter how hard I try to avoid such thoughts, the memory of him, of us, still penetrates me at some point of the day. A day does not pass without me feeling this. It really hurts. Wow, two years and it is done. That was us. Yes, we were still close after the break up , but it was misleading. It just led me to become more hurt today. I can't believe it. Though we are still friends, we have to keep our distance, else, we could hurt more. Yes, I miss him.
Today, Tuesday at 3pm, he approached me and excitedly handed me a letter. I was surprised; I expected it to be the installer CD he borrowed from me. Well, I was nervous. I was unsure of what the letter contained. My friend kidded me that it might contain his permission from me to court somebody else. Shucks! I totally wasn't ready for that. The whole 2hr30min class I was restless because of that letter. I couldn't read it during class because if it contained unpleasant things, I would not be able to hold myself. I waited for the period to end, and for Jose and the others to leave the classroom. Candy and Joanne accompanied me while I read it. It was an "i miss you" letter after all. It touched me. I cried a bit. They said I should reply to it. I didn't want him to let go fo me like I'm some person he has to let go of. Ang labo ko..hehehe. Anyway, tapos na 'to...
I know it's weird, but I don't want to be over him.
12:44am |
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| ..... |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|03:38 pm] |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2006|10:22 am] |
This is the only venue where I can brag...
I got a 95 percentile in the April 2006 NMAT!!! Woohoo!!! Yipee!
I honestly expected 80something at max...
Thank you, Lord! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2006|06:11 pm] |
6:11pm
Tuesday
You know why we fought? It started this way. We were dividing among the three of us the journal articles that we had photocopied for our thesis. I was wondering what Jose was basing the distribution on, because he was taking so much time thinking while holding the articles. I asked him questions regarding that, and his answers were so vague that I didn’t get the point. I wanted to get the division over with so we could go home. I got annoyed at Jose coz I really could not get his point. What I wanted was that we should still read the not-so-connected-to-our-topic papers because we still needed background. Then he just threw the papers (well, not really…I’m exaggerating) on the table and said we’d pick at random. The articles I got were the ones quite irrelevant to our topic, so I wanted to trade. Jose said, “kaya nga inaayos ko kanina eh,” or something to that effect. I really got irritated. How could he say that when he wasn’t even able to explain to me what he was doing. I didn’t mind him, but it was quite evident that I was irritated. I told him that maybe we were just saying the same thing, but not understanding each other. I was just really irritated because he couldn’t explain his point properly. He later said sorry, but I doubt it if he knew what he was apologizing for. We discussed what happened, and I told him what I could not understand from him. Our discussion turned into a fight. As in. The cause was so shallow, but I was really irritated. What annoyed me even more was how he received my irritation. If he thought we were not really disagreeing, he should have more calmly handled the situation than participate in my ranting. He even said that he would not be responsible for distributing the topic anymore, etcetera, etcetera. It came to a point that I asked him what his problem was, and he said his problem was me. I got so mad. I wanted to go down from the car and go home by myself so badly (we fighting his car as he was driving). But he would not let me. I really insisted, but he also insisted. I was so mad! I didn’t look at him during the whole way home. I kept my focus on the view (hardly a view) through my window. I was calming down. I was thinking that we’d probably be in a better mood when I reach my house. (I even thanked him when we got at my house.) But when we got here, he immediately went down the car and pressed the doorbell (he usually does press the doorbell but not in such haste). So I got annoyed again because he was still in the same mood as before. As soon as I got my things ready, I quickly went into my house. Ewan! It shouldn’t have been that way! *sigh…
*btw* I was unable to get a copy of our powerpoint lecture this morning, which I should study tonight for tomorrow’s quiz. I was supposed to get it from Jose but because of what happened, I decided not to get it from him anymore.
9:00pm
Anyway, we're ok now..hehehe... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2006|12:21 am] |
I still know you care. I still know because you show it. You still want my company. You still want to protect me. You still tell me anything. I can still do anything to annoy you, and you’d still tolerate it.
You wanted me to accompany you to this certain party. You wanted me to go with you to your friend’s birthday (I also know the friend). You care… Maybe we just miss each other differently.
1:33am
I saw Jose’s message just now…
Jose: I’ve been trying to contact you… but ur not answering… :’c (00:32) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|11:50 pm] |
Did I leave a mark in your life?
I should know that I did. You told me.
Do you remember me?
Do you?
Do you remember us?
Because if you do, you would remember what you learned from me… Did you learn from me?
It seems you are still the same… Did you change? Did you become a better person because of us?
Did you?
That was our goal, remember? That was also the reason why we broke up.
*sigh…
I miss us… It’s so different now. We still spend time together, we’re still great friends, but it’s different. I’m not so sure as to how deep the impression I left in your life.
*sigh… |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|11:00 pm] |
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Arghhhhhhhhh! I’m nervous. I’m bothered. I hardly think anything is impossible now since it seems there is so much we still don’t know about each other. Lately, things have been surprising me… there’s so much more to learn. Two years… it doesn’t seem so long… Two years… where are you now?... I’m sad… I want to relive those two years… I want to remember what we had… Please, let me remember… I was hardly able to write about us during those years… I now realize that the sentimental moments are the times you get to have time to write. In the past, I usually poured out my feelings to him. But it’s not the same now (though I could still talk to him about anything, but just not choose to because things are different now)… That’s why I now write more often… I’m sad… I’m still not over… How could I be?... I love you… |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|04:30 am] |
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Ouch. He doesn’t know I don’t like ketchup. It’s basic knowledge. I didn’t expect that he does not know that about me. Two years man… |
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| A stupid mistake |
[May. 3rd, 2006|10:19 pm] |
3 May 2006
10:19pm
Wednesday
It was a really stupid mistake. In this morning’s exam, my professor discretely placed a bonus answer among the sentences of the direction. I carefully read that part, so I saw the bonus answer, and quickly referred to the number it was alluding to. I wondered why the answer given was in number form when the question was answerable by the word “nitrogenous base.” So as I went through the exam, it did not occur to me that the question the bonus answer referred to was the number before that which I previously thought. It truly was a stupid mistake. The question was what the gas constant is in cal/mol. The only answer I knew was in joules/Kelvin -> 8.31. It was only after the exam, when we were all talking about it, that I realized the bonus was the answer to that question. Stupid. Haha. Oh well. |
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| Saturday night... (28 April) |
[May. 1st, 2006|12:21 am] |
Saturday night, I felt worried. It was the night our family was to go to Baguio, a place I’ve never been to, and concerns regarding our thesis and my exam filled me with anxiety. Perhaps it was due to the fact that I was going to Baguio, and not gonna be able to focus on those matters. It was the thesis that kept me uneasy. Some of my groupmates were not allowed to work on it because of the possible consequences of the vaccine and the virus itself. Ok, to let you understand better, let me tell you what we are going to work with.
The thesis is about testing locally produced equine rabies immunoglobulin (ERIG) using mouse neutralization test (MNT) and rapid fluorescent something (RFFIT). We are going to work in the laboratories in Research Institute for Tropical Medicine (RITM). Vaccination against rabies was a prerequisite before working on these lab works. My groupmates’ parents were worried about the effect of the vaccine on the body. Basta, it all boiled down to the parents wanting them to back out. This was what worried me. I thought, what could possibly be the negative effect of the vaccine that made the parents act all extremely protective. It made me feel nervous to clarify this matter with my own parents because they might react in the same way. This bothered me that Saturday night, so I prayed.
Unexpectedly, as I was reaching for a glass of water, the text on a shirt tag caught my eye. It said, “Smile! God loves you.” =D I was amazed.
Eventually, I opened this matter up to my mom, and she was the one who told it to my dad. When all of us finally talked about it, my parents simply wanted some things clarified before completely allowing me. So when our thesis adviser clarified the concerns we as a group sent through email, my dad was relieved and allowed me to push through with the thesis.
*btw* Our trip to Baguio was cancelled. The bus to Baguio left available was the 5am trip. It was disappointing, especially to my mom whom my dad promised about that trip. She suggested to my dad every possible precaution (e.g. get the ticket earlier) so that our trip would definitely push through, but my dad dismissed them, thinking they would not cause big problems. (Haha, the word trip is in every sentence.) Anyway, ok naman. My dad tried to make up for it. Sayang! I was supposed to meet Pearl and Karlo, my blockmates, in Baguio. Saya sana… |
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| My new crush =D |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|04:44 pm] |
Eversince my dad influenced me to watch Jewel in the Palace, I've noticed the charm that the main character's (Jang Geum) leading man (Min Jung-Ho) naturally expressed, highlighted by the pure acts of love he does for Jang Geum. As the story developed, my crush advanced. His character in the series as one who remained by Jang Geum's side throughout her difficulties and successes is the ultimate turn-on, plus, his smile. He's so attractive and charming! haha.. It's been long since I had a crush. (Well, except for the time I had a crush on a guy I saw in church). Anyway, this is how he looks like:
My description of the reason why I like him is truly insufficient. The only way you'd understand is to see for yourself in Jewel in the Palace. =P Watch it! I highly recommend it!
Koreans are really good in portraying love stories in movies, appreciated for their essence and not for their sexual expression.
I wonder if there exists a guy who has his looks and every single aspect of his character in the series. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|03:58 am] |
Before I Let You Go
Freestyle
I could still remember yesterday
We were so in love in a special way
And knowing that you love me makes me
Feel oh so right
But now I feel lost
Don't know what to do
Each and everyday I think of you
Holding back the tears
I'm trying with all my might
Because you're gonna leave me standing
All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own
But baby before I let you go I want to say
I love you
I hope that you're listening coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do, yeah
So before I let you go I want to say
I love you
I wish that it would be just
Like before
I know I could have given you so
Much more
Even though you know I'd give the
New one, my love
I miss your smile, I miss your kiss
Each and everyday I'll ever miss
Coz baby it's you that I'm always
Dreaming of
Because you're gonna leave me standing
All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own
But baby before I let you go I want to say
I love you
I hope that you're listening coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do, yeah
So before I let you go, I want to say, yeah
Letting you go is never easy
But I love you so
That's why I'll set you free, yeah
And I know, someday, somehow,
I'll find the way
To leave them all behind me
Give it all beneath to keep it baby
Before I let you go, I want to say
I love you
I hope that you're listening
Coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do, yeah
So before I let you go I want to say...
So before I let you go I want to say...
I love you |
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